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well guess what? i am chilling with hector that's right the infamous heartbreaker and bullshit artist. well we were suppose to go out last night but i got pissed off and dissed him right? because im not some damn rebound girl. so he was begging me to come chill and i said no. well last night i found out a lot of info. I got him to text me about sex with betsey and i found out he loves me and wants to eventually settle down with me. cool! well he says sex with her is good and he kinda likes it better than mine but my oral skills are excellent. ha ha well not to toot my own horn but the work speaks for itself. i feel good we went to target today. picked up some things. and he bought me an ipod shuffle yay now i have an ipod. now im at his house on his computer putting songs on it. im spending the night. we had sex. shouldn't have gave in so soon but im not expecting anything. actually im in the process of removing any emotional attachment to hector. really. well see how the nite goes. everything has been calm and cool do far... betsey stopped being his fuck friend. i hope she is gone for good. he said he doesn't trust her and doesn't want her relationship wise. yea you know how guys lie about things so i hope he is telling the truth. no matter to me thou im moving on with everything

Well finally got the opening i needed to leave hector aalone. really think he had no intention of ever getting back with me. oh well enough dwelling he stop answering my calls and texts. fuck him. well didnt get much for xmas except for a target giftcard thats nice. my grandma bought this ugly coat i dont like and prob wont wear sorry. think she was crying cuz of that. Spending the night here. just resting. sleeping like usual. going to target to buy things i need. been texting terrence just innocent convo. havent heard from angel what a dissapointment maybe i spoke to soon calling him by boyfriend seems that way. Stay tuned.

Well today me and hector texted i was bitter and resentful at first and i tried to have the best of intentions but we clashed i think he got mad over something i said. i mean if it wasnt true why get mad? anyways got wasted tonite and it was strong phew got emotional did some crying some praying hoping and wishing things turn out for the better. i realize he is my light and my soulmate as much as i try i cant let him go i love him that much hes not talking to me now but hopefully hell come around i have strong faith not doing much today but sleep off my hangover not into xmas that much but gotta keep up appearances

I feel so.....blah i had a decent nite of sleep. my pal chris slept over again. he can be annoying and a freeloader at times. but hes homeless so can he help it? Were suppose to get wasted today well see how it goes....me and hector been texting again i still haave those dreams but theyre a little better instead od the desparation and begging im angry lol im getting to a point where im realizing you cant make someone be with you like chris said im a devourer hunter fisher etc... and that drives guys away. im learning to control it. Seems like its over for good with me and hector it doesnt hurt as bad this time. progression means i can move on. gonna work out today burn some calories hopefully get wasted lol.

well today i did a tarot reading today. i got the two of cups. i spoke to hector today it was a nice convo i didnt start any bullshit or nagging. we actually had a nice time. he seemed pleasant. he told me he wanted to be single and if he wants a relationship he will call me. which made me feel good. i hope we speak again. seems do i did another reading and in the outcome i got the lovers card im sooo excited i feel really expectant and hopeful. may this continue to blossom.

Well last nite my pal pino came over and spent the nite with me. We didnt do much for the lunar sclipse but i prayed. i prayed me and hector get back together or that if its meant to be over then so be it. well i had another torture dream about hector where he is with another girl and dissing me crazy i know lol. well i called him today he said he was busy. i admit i was gonna start my bullshit but he sent a text saying he was busy and hell call me later. i admit im excited but he prob gonna tell me he made betsey his girlfriend and that hes cutting me out of his life. thats prob whats gonna happen. im excited but doubtful. it seems like everytime i wish for something and i have a strong desire it seems to have the opposite effect like if i want a man he goes away. i still love him but im slowly moving on. when he calls if he calls im gonna try not to be on starting an argument i did tarot reading it didnt look good says we not getting together it hurts but well see cause in other readings it looks hopeful.

I had this jingle in my heard for a minute. the pure imagination song by gene wilder from willy wonka. its like stuck in my head lol. sorry for the typos and misspelled words im using my phone here lol. i got it on youtube in my playlist. its sooo inspirational. i wanna be free and its so magical gosh i love it

Well im visiting my folks for a few days. i need the rest and relaxation. also i needed a bus card. well i scared my grandmother today. well what happened is i brought my tarot deck with me. i been using it and when im done i learned salt can cleanse your deck. so i put salt around my cards and wrapped it up with cloth. well my grandma being a buddist she was scared shitless. can you say akward? she actuallyy asked if i practice witchcraft lol does she need to know that? nope didnt tell her a thing. so she feels weird which in turn makes me feel weird. but shit happens. i mean im not gonna stop using my deck. i am an adult so she will just have to get over it. Not to be rude. but it is what it is. needless to say i wont bring my deck anymore lol. also i did love readings on you know who (hector) and i got good news. in the future position i got the sun card which is an extremely positive card. i have hope that me and him will reunite. the sun usually means success happiness vitality etc....

Today I finally got all my grades back guess what? I got straight A's. Im so freakin happy about that. !i feel great. My mind wasnt all there this semester and I was depressed and unmotivated due to my grandmothers death. it was hard ya know. But, im moving forward slowly but surely. I been working out on my new machine my arms and belly are so sire ya know. But im getting use to it Im gonna try to work out everyday so i can see results. Also i ended things for good with hector the situation is just too much for me. So i walked away for good this time. Seems like Karma dixtated that he wont be with me. Oh well now I know next time when i get in a relationship I wont mess up. Ill use more self control and disclipline. gotta take things one at a time ya know.

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Laelia
05:10 Dec 17 2010

Congrats!

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Well yesterday my dad finally put my home gym togethere nice its awesome. i tried using it it works great but gotta get use to it. i feel like such a fatass cuz after my breakup and my grandmas death i been uber depressed and gained weight. im sleepy as hell now i was going out today but screw that. schools out whoo hoo damn i was not up to par this semester i need to rest and rejuvenate totally. i feel like shit.

Haven't slept since Thursday evening. Took a few Exstacy pills and whoa! had a good time, I must say. Now I am paying for it. I haven't slept and now im at school on the day of my final and i haven't studied one bit! not one thing. Damn the times. Fuck the consequences. I haven't really been motivated this semester. Due in part to my grandma's passing. Nothing has been of importance to me. Except hector of course. But, I need time to rest and rejuvenate my mind and soul. Im so tired. I look so worn out today.

Well last nite I get a text from you know who? that's right terrence. I sent a face pic and told him I was thinking of him. Do you know the nerve of this guy to get upset and says im disrespecting his personal space? what fucking nerve! so I did what I do best and sent his ass packing. What a loser! Like I said to my friends, typical black guy. Leaves for a latina gets dumped gets mads and takes his frustrations out on a sista! not me does he not know im not ordinary sista guess not well he found out! Granted, his sex is awesome but, it is not worth the attitude that this guy gives. He is a total loser and I sent another texting stating I see why your single your attitude and personality is ugly lose my number permanently this time! You see he came crawling back after latina dumped him and wanted me as a rebound until something else came along. What was he thinking moi? nope gave him his second rejection and let him stew in his own juices. As for me, I know I am a good woman and I know love is out there for me. I have to be patient and work on my personality until then. I'm not letting these guys get the best of me and then I don't get the same in return. Not anymore, I know im worth it. I cut things off with hector also. Because essentially it's the same thing and eventually the end result will be the same. Not having that, now with hector there is a history there, but im not playing second fiddle to another woman. And, I wanted to burns CD's at his crib cuz my ipod broke and I wanted my music so I don't know how that's going to work out but we'll see damn I had some classic and rarities on there.

Well sunday was the new moon, so I decided to cast a spell to try to win hector back. I talked to hector and I don't want to be in a relationship now but, I do want one in the future when the time is right! So, I bought a candle and said some affirmations. I really love him and I want to be with him when I know it is true love. So after the spell is completed which is in 7 days, I will set hector free and let him go. No calls, texts nothing. I hope fate brings us back together. Since he is "friends" with betsey, I noticed his personality is changing. I know in life change is inevitable. and god knows im scared of change, but, I know its prob for the best. So, I have to now start the process of growing internally, and spiritually and assert myself and find my place in this world. I know I must call on the universe and let it lead me wherever it takes me. I must go with the flow. Meanwhile, there is someone who im interested in more physical than anything. His name is terrence and wow, the sex with him is just soooo hot I can't deny it. I love hector but terrence's sex is just too good to pass up. We'll see what happens.....

Well I'm here at school again! I have class at 9 a.m. so i'll make this a quick one. Talked to hector yesterday and decided to end the friendship and leave his life for now. I know he loves me but he says he is not ready for a relationship right now! It hurts like hell but I feel optimistic because I asked him to not hesitate to call me if he wants me in the future and he said he won't. I believe when he is ready hopefully with the grace of god, he will come back to me. I sent him an e-card yesterday professing my love. I feel optimistic about the future. I wanna work on bettering myself through self-love, nurturing myself, self-improvement etc.... Also, I bought a home gym i'm waiting for my dad to put up so I can lose some weight! Long overdue hello lol yea I still feel hurt but more positive then hurt. I know the future is going to be better.

Well im at school today. I got a shitload of work to do and it sucks. I should have came yesterday but i was too damn lazy and now I gotta work my ass off today. Sigh. Also, I wanted to get wasted but I knew I couldn't but, it was damn tempting thou. And, still missing hector. I was crying my ass off last night because I love him soooo much and I have a feeling we will never get back together. It's karma I suppose to my mind keeps shifting from one extreme to the other. I want to try to fight for him but I know i'll be crushed if he chooses betsy over me. It sure looks that way... Oh well like earlier I started a text argument with him and I broke things off with him. I proboly will attempt to communicate with me again. I hope he accepts me back

Well today I was sooo confused earlier because I feel I am smack dab in the middle. One, I want to fight for hector's love and show him that i'm the one. One the other hand, I know karma is a bitch and this might be it. For the sins of my past, as punishment he would leave. God, I hope not. I really love him and I know I made mistakes but it's a new day. Im thinking of performing a ritual to open up his love for me and bring us together. Because, I know his love is there. I went to my fave store alchemy arts and bought some ritual supplies also, a talisman to win a lover's heart. I don't care about his friends with benefits named betsey. She's irrelevant to me and hector's relationship. I really want him to get rid of her so we can work on our relationship. It's his choice of course, but, I am the one for him. She can't love his heart like me.

Well as you can guess my ex is hector. I just can't get over how he has someone that he is screwing. It burns still, even though we are not together. But I love him soooo much.... I am willing to do anything for him. But, he says he doesn't want a relationship but maybe in the future. I don't know if I should go or move on. I want to repent for the past and make it up to him. I feel to desperate and scared that he is going to leave that I don't know what do to. I'm swinging from one extreme to the next. God I wish he would choose to be with me.